The Rainy Day

And once again it happened...

It felt that she is at a crossroads again...

The cycle that goes on and on and on, she just wants to break it...in turn break free, of the traumas, of the past, of the bullying, of the anger. Yes, she knows her worth, she knows she deserves all things good but then she also knows, nothing comes easy to her. 

For a couple of years, she hasn't felt like herself and recently she realized she missed the girl she was. the wide-eyed, hopeful girl. 

Years and years of churning the wheel, of the norms, of 'what should be because it has always been like this', she knows she can't take it anymore. She has a lot to say, to a lot of people. She even wants to but that's not how she is and so it doesn't come to her naturally. 

A change is what is needed. Change of the atmosphere, change of the mindset, change for progress. But then she is scared if it's about the surroundings or if is it just her. Maybe she is the reason for all her sadness or maybe the surroundings are. She has always been confused about this. 

A lot of thinking for one girl in one hour of one day. She shut her eyes and took some deep breaths trying to calm herself. This sweet melodious pitter-patter started and the sound fell on her ears. It was all quiet except for that one sound which at the moment felt like music for her soul. A smile appeared on her lips and she felt so at ease. She stood up and walked towards the door and she could see the rain pouring down in full swing. For a long time, she stood there, watching the rain, observing every drop falling from the heavens, touching the air all around, and then gently landing on the puddle on the ground. 'Tap', and it fell and then another and then another and created ripples. Happy ripples which she has longed so much for, to do something and create happiness out of it and for people around her but something stops it every time. She can't help it no matter how hard she tried. And then without her knowledge, she realized she is standing under the open sky and rain was falling on her too. With every drop that touched her face, her arms, her hair, her body, every drop touched her soul, her fears, her troubles, her heart and it seemed to her that all her thoughts are washing away. It didn't just seem to her but she knew it did happen and it was happening at the moment. She loved getting drenched in the rain when was little and she didn't know when she stopped doing this and she questioned herself why she stopped doing this. The smile on her face grew bigger, from ear to ear. The rains seemed to have awakened something that she thought was lost forever but was just sleeping inside of her. The feeling of light, excitement, happiness. 

She had a newfound reassurance. She felt more like herself again. She felt a little more complete.

The purity of this simple pleasure brought maybe momentarily but comfort to her.

The Longing

Oh, the longing. 

To be somewhere, where you are not already.

To be someone, who you always wanted to be.

The diya wanting to be the moon and shine everywhere.

The moon wanting to be the diya to be closer to its admirer.

The admirer lying on her terrace, looking at the moon, admiring its magnificent beauty, soaking in the elixir. In some cultures it's meditation, to look at the moon. The admirer got all her meditation fix by looking at the moon. Whenever she looked at the moon, a wave of calmness enveloped her in its warm embrace. It didn't matter anymore where she was. All that mattered was the moon and her. And yes she talked to the moon (a bit cliched) and the moon talked back to her too. And they longed to be together. Someday when the admirer might touch the sky or when the moon comes to earth and sits with her. 

The sun had heard so many times about the moon. How she absorbs light from him to shine in the night. He heard it but never witnessed it for himself. The moon saw him shine all the time. He seemed warm but untouchable, close enough for her to absorb his light but far enough for him to see her. Oh, the longing, that they have to meet each other someday. The sun wanting to meet the moon, the moon wanting the sun to notice her once. One day the sun shone low thinking he might catch a glimpse of this much talked about moon. He had heard so much about her, in poems, prose, and stories and couldn't wait to see her. Alas for 'twas a moonless night. And the longing remained...

The moonflower bloomed...in all its glory. The Gardener propagated it carefully. Doing everything as required. It wasn't a typical atmosphere for the plant, but it happened with the gardener's intention and determination. The moonflower waited and waited...and waited but the gardener didn't return. Oh, the beauty was wasted. The gardener came back but the season was over. And the moonflower did not bloom again for long. And the longing...the longing was just the same...

    

Moon or the Mirror!

Moon...what all does it mean to different people? For fact its the earth's only, natural satellite, but then the moon is the source of light in the night, but then calendars are made and festivals are celebrated around different phases of moon and then there are poems written for the moon, and some find there lovers in the moon. 

But there's no denying the beauty of the moon. Milky white, at times sparkling like the most precious stone ever, then there's the crescent moon and there are legends and myths around the crescent of the moon. There's red moon, supermoon, yellow moon, lately there was a blue moon too (some different types of once in a long time sightings). Moon, deriving its light from the sun, yet when it shines you cannot ignore it. 

When the night is approaching and you see a crescent or during the cloudy nights when the moon is peeking from behind the clouds, or in the dark, chilly wintery nights when you see a glimmer in the sky isn't it pleasant! 

Since I was a kid I had a special likeness towards the moon. It has always been mystical to me. While sleeping in the veranda of my nani's house under the moonlit sky, I used to just soak into the moonlight for hours and hours. We had our silent conversations, and my childish mind would find a smiling face in moon at times. It wouldn't be exaggerating when I say, that moon has been my companion since, forever. When I grew up a little, in my teenage years, I could relate all the love songs to the moon and romance meant just listening to those songs. There was heartbreak but then moon was my constant and there were other songs to relate to the moon.

When I moved to a new city, everything was a cultural shock. Being the guarded, Alice in wonderland that I was and still am, I just couldn't find anything relatable. It was a feeling of being lost, confused state and I just wanted to come back home. One night, I went to the terrace of my building, it was a quite night in Worli. The palm like trees were humming there sweet song. It was a night after a rainfall. Everything looked crystal clear and I could listen to the hustle bustle of the city and the quite waves of the sea at once. I sat and then looked up and there it was - The moon. My bestfriend. It smiled at me and I smiled back at it and suddenly all confusions, all fear, all worry of being at a new place were gone. The moon was the same, the wind blew the same and it felt like home. 

Then there were days when it felt like there won't be another day, but then the night came and If I could see a glimmer of moon, I knew I can hold on. 

At times, I could see my emotions in the moon. My sadness reflected, my happiness radiated, my anger retributed, my calm reciprocated through the moon. 

And then on nights when there was lack of hope, I could imbibe it from the moon. The energy would transfer and I fly, I fly with the moon, towards the moon. You could call me a selenophile, but I think that word doesn't do justice to my bond with the moon. 

Its always been a mirror to me. My me, myself and I is related to the moon.

Sometimes in the face of a lover, sometimes a friend, sometimes a secret-keeper, and sometimes just her being is suffice. Yeah, of course, moon is a girl for me. It's the part of me floating in the sky with the high and mighty. 

So you know, whatever be, be it, if I could see the moon in face of any situation, I will know its going to be fine and there's going to be a beautiful tomorrow and today! 

An ode to the Unrequited Love

I was happy...well not happy per se, but I was going on with my life. Taking each day as it came. Going with the flow. Like the wind flew and took me with it and I happily consented to it. Like the rain fell and drenched me in it, I knowingly allowed it to. Like the winter came and I felt the chills. And then the summer and all was sunny. I made it, day by day, task by task I was going about not thinking about love, at all, not at all, not anymore, it wasn't my first thought of the day nor the last before I slept. 

I was, indeed, living, breathing an ordinary existence. An existence so ordinary that it went by unnoticed, it slid through. No highs, no lows but a general existence. But as it is, the heart beats, and when you do a check-up there are highs and lows on the graph which informs one of being alive. So how could I go without any lows or highs! 

Love - the feeling that I was avoiding, stung me, stronger than a bee, like an alarm without an off button, like a train left the station, it was already too late when I realized that I was in love. 

Oh to be in love and be loved...would be a superlative feeling! Isn't it! Alas, how would I know! Cause my love was never returned. Yes I loved, and everything was rosy...pink...red...yellow...all colors...I smiled with the thought of the one. it might feel weird to you, the reader, but it is an absolute, greatest of feelings to be in one - sided love. Yes...the unrequited feelings...from one person for the other person without the other person knowing about the one person's feelings.

It is freeing, it is bliss, although unreturned but those feelings all yours. For oneself. You smile with the thought of that person, their voice rings bells in your ears, the sight of them makes the world seem a little less worn out. 

Yet, they remain unaware that someone feels so much for them. 

Oh, unrequited love, you are a blessing in disguise, because I know you are all mine and never to be taken away. Unreturned but uninfluenced, there is no requirement for any filter. It is beauty of the best kind.

Yeah, it is sad at times that you cannot share the feelings with the one you have them for but just seeing them happy, makes your heart happy. Isn't it selfish and selfless all at once.

That is what is - unrequited love. 

So this is my love letter to the unrequited love. Maybe you are incomplete, but maybe your being incomplete makes it complete for me. 

- A hopeless hopeful