The Anatomy of Grief - Part I

Grief is so personal yet so public. 

The magnitude of loss of a whole person that one has never imagined, it takes place. Suddenly one day you are told that your person is not going to be here for long. Maybe not in so many words but the information is present. On the faces of every one you meet, in every step that is prepared next, in every 'next move' the medical personnel want permission for, in every breath you take your person is losing their breath. 

'Boom', and that news comes to you, a call, through someone, a medical person or someone you have known all your life gives you the worst news of your life. 

Yes, you have been given time to prepare for it or maybe it happens all of a sudden and in that moment everything goes blank. You see the monitor of life support. All lines are straight, parallel to each other. The green, the red and the other. You look at your person and it seems like they are in deep sleep. You touch their hands, their face, it's all cold. The one person who was always warm, even in the coldest of winters is now cold, 'Poof', gone!

You try to wake them up. You shake them, touch their shoulders, feet and wait that maybe, maybe for a nanosecond they come back and you can just hear something, see them smile or call your name, or just listen to them breath. 'Alas', it doesn't happen!

Tears, endless tears start falling and alongwith you fall to the ground and want to go with them in that very moment. Everything seems pointless. The fight that you had on, the growth, the success, the money, nothing matters. All you want for is that person to wake up and all this that is happening is a nightmare. But, it isn't. It's the harshest of reality. 

And then you see other people, preparing papers, summaries, certificates, payments to be done, forms to be filled and you realise or question yourself, 'is this what my person's life is worth?'. You hate it, you get angry with everyone. But yes ofcourse how can you forget society or how would society let you forget that you are just a girl and they have the right to make decisions for you now that your person is not on this plain anymore. 

The pain, the emotions, they haven't yet settled but there are so many societal things to be done. What about emotions? Aren't they worth to be felt? Shouldn't there be space and time for emotions? Shouldn't there be a greiving period where people support you without any questions? Ofcourse life is fast and there's no time to spare for anyone but is that all? 

Yes there's no time and there will be no time for everyone. You hate it, hate it, hate it, and you want to shout, scream and be done with everyone. But then there are your other persons who are here, who understand you because they are going through the same thing, your family. Ofcourse greiving process is not same for everyone so all you can do is support the rest of your family. The closest to you. 

Maybe that's how you deal with grief. You never get over it but you start to live with it. Someday grief is more, someday it's there but you don't feel it as much but the presence is monumental and it's always going to be there so you start building your life around it. 

Ofcourse you cannot let off grief because that's the last emotion you shared with your person. And you want it to be there but the pain to be less or maybe you get used to the pain or maybe the pain is so strong that you cannot even sense it on daily basis.

You keep living, breathing, existing, sometimes you smile for your family, sometimes you sit and cry with them. But all the time you are with them and you think maybe your person is looking at you from somewhere or is with you all and this is what is left of them. Us, the remaining tribe and you have to carry on for your person. As they would want you to carry on but do you always need to move on. I don't think so, maybe you move carrying them with you.

There are certain events that mould the path of your life and maybe losing your person is the biggest of them all.

The Hunt

It had been long since the lion caught any prey. 

Surviving on scraps, or leftovers and sometimes offerings the lion was full but his soul was not satisfied. He noticed that his majesty was kind of falling, the fear his name bore was diminishing. He could see his subjects passing by sometimes putting offerings to him, good offerings so that there will be no kill and the Lion would be full too. 

At first, they would all be fearful, the subjects, they came in heads down without looking into his eyes and kept the offering at the entrance of his den. They would dare not put their foot even an inch inside the entrance and that too at the time when they knew the Lion would be sleeping. For a long time, this kept on going. In the beginning, the Lion was happy. He understood the fear and command he held over his subjects. Just for fun, he would roar once in a while when the subjects came with offerings and the subjects would run with all their might. He would have a good laugh about it. But then slowly these offerings made him lazy, he wouldn't go out of his den at all and then he noticed that the offerings became less frequent and he could listen his subjects crossing his den numerous times but no offerings. 

He needed something else, some chase, the thrill of that chase, the adventure and subsequent win establishing him as the king again. 

The Lion realized. He has to leave his den and establish his rule again. 

So one day he called his trusted adviser, the jackal. He told his situation to the jackal and asked for a solution. The jackal knew if he didn't give any quick solution to the lion he would kill and eat him on the spot, on the other hand, if he let the Lion go outside and start preying again there would be blood everywhere and everyone would be scared. He dreaded the impending massacre. 

Suddenly the jackal recalled the fawn who has entered from another jungle and wasn't used to the rules of this jungle. The jackal then told the Lion about this fawn. The beautiful, dainty, elegant fawn with eyes as beautiful as the night sky. The Lion got tempted and wanted to prey immediately, but the jackal stopped him, saying it was better to lure the fawn inside the den rather than hunt it down. The Lion agreed.

The jackal went to the fawn and told him that the Lion is old and is looking for his replacement after he dies and since the fawn looked as majestic as the Lion, the lion wants to keep it as his apprentice and train him to take over once he dies. The fawn got tempted. It was an offer of a lifetime. In no jungle has a fawn ever made a ruler. Its eyes shone with the glory and legacy it would leave for its future generation. The fawn agreed to meet the Lion.

The meeting was set in the early hours of the next morning so that fawn would keep this to itself and no one would know of this. The fawn got ready and entered the den of the Lion. It was early and most of the den was dark. The fawn saw a ray of sunlight hitting on a surface when the Lion walked toward the fawn. In all his glory the Lion looked majestic. The fawn got intimidated.

The lion asked the fawn to sit. They talked about the fawn's past and the Lion told tales of his glory. The fawn expressed how glad it was to be the apprentice of the Lion and the Lion was salivating. Slowly he walked toward the fawn and the fawn understood Lion's intention. The fawn had previously faced such situations where he has been hunted or brought as an offering but every time it ran away. But this time it was different, the fawn was inside the den of a lion who was approaching it to hunt. 

The fawn didn't know what to do. It knew it was going to be eaten if it didn't think quickly. The fawn told the lion it would be better if he ate it at the entrance of his den so that passersby would see it and the glory of the Lion will be restored. The lion knew the fawn was trying to run away so he threw his paw into the air to catch the fawn. The fawn ran away to the other side of the den. This went on for quite some time and the Lion unable to catch the fawn was out of breath. But he wouldn't let the fawn run away. As it was also a little dark he agreed to the fawn's request to eat him near the entrance of the den. The Lion realized he was getting old and weak and a little fawn was trying to fool him.

They both moved toward the entrance of the den. The sun was rising and the fawn shone like a star under its light. The lion's hunger increased. He approached the fawn and the fawn saw the stone on which the Lion was about to put his paw. It was a shaky stone so the fawn jiggled it and the Lion fell. 

The fawn took it as its only opportunity and ran for its life. Never looking back the fawn kept running and running and running far away.

Until the lion gained its composure, the fawn was far, far away, and as the Lion has become so lazy he didn't even think about chasing it. He saw the sunlight and retired to his den waiting for offerings...

The fawn ran and ran and swore never to trust anyone to make it the king of the jungle. It realized its own value and kept running...