Grief is so personal yet so public.
The magnitude of loss of a whole person that one has never imagined, it takes place. Suddenly one day you are told that your person is not going to be here for long. Maybe not in so many words but the information is present. On the faces of every one you meet, in every step that is prepared next, in every 'next move' the medical personnel want permission for, in every breath you take your person is losing their breath.
'Boom', and that news comes to you, a call, through someone, a medical person or someone you have known all your life gives you the worst news of your life.
Yes, you have been given time to prepare for it or maybe it happens all of a sudden and in that moment everything goes blank. You see the monitor of life support. All lines are straight, parallel to each other. The green, the red and the other. You look at your person and it seems like they are in deep sleep. You touch their hands, their face, it's all cold. The one person who was always warm, even in the coldest of winters is now cold, 'Poof', gone!
You try to wake them up. You shake them, touch their shoulders, feet and wait that maybe, maybe for a nanosecond they come back and you can just hear something, see them smile or call your name, or just listen to them breath. 'Alas', it doesn't happen!
Tears, endless tears start falling and alongwith you fall to the ground and want to go with them in that very moment. Everything seems pointless. The fight that you had on, the growth, the success, the money, nothing matters. All you want for is that person to wake up and all this that is happening is a nightmare. But, it isn't. It's the harshest of reality.
And then you see other people, preparing papers, summaries, certificates, payments to be done, forms to be filled and you realise or question yourself, 'is this what my person's life is worth?'. You hate it, you get angry with everyone. But yes ofcourse how can you forget society or how would society let you forget that you are just a girl and they have the right to make decisions for you now that your person is not on this plain anymore.
The pain, the emotions, they haven't yet settled but there are so many societal things to be done. What about emotions? Aren't they worth to be felt? Shouldn't there be space and time for emotions? Shouldn't there be a greiving period where people support you without any questions? Ofcourse life is fast and there's no time to spare for anyone but is that all?
Yes there's no time and there will be no time for everyone. You hate it, hate it, hate it, and you want to shout, scream and be done with everyone. But then there are your other persons who are here, who understand you because they are going through the same thing, your family. Ofcourse greiving process is not same for everyone so all you can do is support the rest of your family. The closest to you.
Maybe that's how you deal with grief. You never get over it but you start to live with it. Someday grief is more, someday it's there but you don't feel it as much but the presence is monumental and it's always going to be there so you start building your life around it.
Ofcourse you cannot let off grief because that's the last emotion you shared with your person. And you want it to be there but the pain to be less or maybe you get used to the pain or maybe the pain is so strong that you cannot even sense it on daily basis.
You keep living, breathing, existing, sometimes you smile for your family, sometimes you sit and cry with them. But all the time you are with them and you think maybe your person is looking at you from somewhere or is with you all and this is what is left of them. Us, the remaining tribe and you have to carry on for your person. As they would want you to carry on but do you always need to move on. I don't think so, maybe you move carrying them with you.
There are certain events that mould the path of your life and maybe losing your person is the biggest of them all.
